Sad and Know it

I am sad and I know it. I am in a funk and can't get out. I don't understand the things around me, wish I could get a better view of me in the mirror. The person I see, the person I try to be, must not be the person others see. What do I do. Grin and bear it. Keep the rage inside. Lashing out won't help. Pointing out the deficiencies in others doesn't improve my standing. So I keep plugging along. Hoping that the person I see in the mirror gets seen by others. I try to improve, I try to help, I just don't know.

I won't show the pain I feel. I don't have an outlet to share. I can't have what I want, it still doesn't diminish my desire for it. I wish I didn't know what I knew. I wish I could exist in the fairy tale I try to spin. But when the silence speaks, I hear my despair.

I know who I am. I know what I want. I just want to be able to share it with someone who will also share with me. I don't want to have to type these words so they exist in the universe for a random person to encounter. I want something I can't seem to get.

I will keep trying. I have no other option. In the meantime, just know the person you see, is not the person in the mirror.

Im Back to Technology

More to come. Let us just say that there were plenty of things I missed and plenty of things I didn't. I will break this down more in depth tomorrow. Enjoy your evening.

Destry

Sabbatical from Technology for 24 hours

I begin my sabattical from technology in about 20 minutes. I have chosen to give up the computer, the laptop, the smart phone, the televisions, and all other devices that tie me into social media. I am going to completely enjoy a day in which there are no pulls on my time to check in on this, or respond to that, won't be wondering about this or that, in stead will be accomplishing all of lifes little things that we so easily push aside to enjoy our social media addiction. I am sure the post tomorrow will have tons of thoughts, insights and answering to questions, I haven't even been opened up to. And I wouldn't mind meeting a special someone as I am out and about enjoying life without wires. Come join me. It could be madness or it could be freeing. I want to know.

Best not to speak

I didn't forget about doing a blog post yesterday, I just chose not to. I try to live by simple motto of not speaking when I am upset. I find that the time helps me put things in perspective. I like the saying, say nothing and be thought a fool, than speak and leave no doubt. I will go on a short tangent on a larger topic. Why do people not want to compete anymore. When did everything become non competitive. What is wrong with competition. There is such a thing as friendly competition. I just don't understand any more. I believe it brings out the best in people. Whether you are trying to get a promotion at work, or just sitting down to play cards with friends and family. Whether the stakes are $0.25 or $25.00 people should want to compete. Obviously must play inside a persons comfort zone. Don't gamble if you can't afford it. But if you choose to play a game of something on a night, and that is your entertainment, then if you lose 20 bucks it isn't end of world. Most likely it was cheapest thing you would have found to do. I am not focused on just on the money, I will play rummy and try to win when all that is at stake is first to 500 points. I just like the thrill of competing. Trying to outwit, outthink, and outplay your opponents. If we can't have competitive fun with our friends then why bother pretending to play. If we decide to bet $1 on rather a coin will land on heads or tails, for me it is about that moment when the coin is in the air, the thrill of wondering if I should have chosen the opposite call. There seems to be people who will take that bet, then if they lose, say oh well it was "just for fun". No it was for $1. I would have paid if I had lost, you should pay when you lose. If you don't have the $1 to waste, then don't bet the coin toss.

On to football. Great job by the home teams, only 3rd time since 1990 when all 4 homes teams won. #Texans were the biggest surprise to me. I am avid #Steelers fan, but with all our injuries, didn't expect to win the game. I would have attempted the 67yd FG at end of regulation, but that is just me. Also with new OT rules in Playoffs, the team kicking should attempt an onside, if they have faith defense can hold them to FG. I guess the game to look forward to is Saints/49ers. The Patriots/Broncos and Ravens/Texans don't seem like very exciting football to me anyway. Also got the #BCS Championship Game tomorrow night. I like #LSU and their record this year, but #Alabama is who I am picking to win by 10.

Friday Friday Which Seat will I choose

Going to just hit the highlights of my day. First, got a great nights sleep. Thank you Ambien. Thank you also to cool weather, and no thank you to all the women I would to cuddle up with, but you haven't made yourself available yet.

Went to the Studio to do our Sports Ministry radio show, what an excellent day of radio, we have great guest including Pat Hanlon from the New York Football Giants on with us. We also had our NBA correspondent David Gaulman call in an drop some knowledge on us. Big thanks. The people at studio were replacing lights and carpets being cleaned, it is the little things that make you feel like big things are on horizon. Our show went by flawlessly. Great material, great conversations, and over all very excited looking forward to Monday and the release of the dreaded Arbitron ratings. We took guesses around the office, ranged from .4 (not in book) to 1.0 (in book and kicking ass). I guessed .7, jp guessed .6. We both feel the numbers should have been higher but not much promo work done around today to promote the show. We will know on Monday, and our fingers are crossed. This will lead to much easier sales calls and secure some longevity in this format.

Game home at some chili (i really do make great chili). Got talked in to go to Champions Pub in sarasota florida for a blind draw dart tournament. When I was talked into this I had no other plans on the horizon. So off we go, but then I get a text, from girl I have been wanting to go on date with for a while, who is asking me if i'd like to go to the movies tonight, i explain I am already 3/4 of the way to Sarasota, and I would need a little notice, but would really like to take her out next chance she has. Of course tomorrow she is going to comedy club, but we will see. Also talked to dad about his visit to Florida. Going to discuss ways to make the home front ideal for all. ( I need a futon and would like someone to donate one to me) I can exchange it out for free radio press.

Went to blind draw, got teamed up with good partner, beat everyone there, and won first place....woo hoo me... beat my nephew for second, congrats to him. Came back home, just absolutely loved the interaction I get with sister, nephews, and niece, it is always priceless and I do feel like I make the correct decisions. Of course one downside is this way I know I am coming home alone, who knows with movies, if I end up with something something. So here I am at home, took sleeping pill, finishing blog, and about to say for those out there, I love my family, I love my life, I love my friends, I miss some, crave others, but all in all at the end of today I feel more loved than I did yesterday. And isn't that the goal is to grow ust a day

Maybe too deep/ maybe not

To wonder what we should be doing to fulfill our purpose. I often wonder am I on the right road, the right track, headed in the right direction. I find there are things that make me happy, I find there are things that make me sad, I find there are people I want to be around, and I find there are people I'd rather not be around. Is my job to just find the right balance of all these things. Which areas get extra weight, which areas should be glossed over. What makes me happy. What doesn't.

Here is what I know so far. I think I am near the path I should be on. I think I am close to getting it together. I also feel at times like I am out of touch, wandering alone. Seems the one thing I know is that my family brings me back to my center. My sister who I love, brings out the best and worst in me, sometimes at the same moment. My niece and nephew who until they were born, I never understood people who said things like I would step in front of a bus to protect them, now I completely understand. The smiles on their faces, the joy in thier hearts is what makes me know I am doing something right. A facebook post showing off a christmas present you got them, I know it seems insignificant, but it is not. I miss my mom, I miss my dad, I miss so much, yet find that I am happiest when figuring things out on my own. Everyone has helped shape me. Some are still doing it. My grandmother I adore, my best wishes are always in her thoughts.

I want such simplicity. I want to be loved, to love another. I want to have someone to come home to, someone who wants to come home to me. I want someone to share my life with, who wants to share theirs with me. I want a teammate in life, a person that isn't trying to tear me down, but build US up. I want someone who is smart, sexy, funny, and quirky. I want someone who thinks I am smart and sexy and funny and quirky, even though I know I am not most of those things. I want to be able to move on from people who I believe possess that qualitities, but through actions do not. I want the ability to pick up and move at moments notice, but no desire to do so. I want a dog to come home to, I want a family to care for, I want to love others, I want love.

In the meantime, I will just take the small victories I can piece together. Overcome the obstacles I have to overcome, and persevere until I get those things I want. I want others to want me, I want me to want to be around me.

Destry

All that is good

Easy to do a blog post today about how crappy different parts of my day were. But instead focus on the few good portions and let the bad stuff stay in the shadows. My nephew Jonathon is 16, and going through the process of getting all his driving requirements completed so he can have his license. He is taking Drivers Ed, which I never took, and kinda wish I had. He loves it, and today he was able to drive on the interstate for the first time. Just love the energy he brings to it, the excitement of something most of us dread. It is refreshing to see the world through the eyes of those that haven't been beaten down by society. My niece broke her glasses today, which is a huge deal since she reads non stop and is blind without them. Good news she is getting a brand new pair tomorrow and hopefully they will be in line with what she is wanting. Stopped at my grandmothers house this evening, helped her with a few computer problems, I can't imagine how hard all this technology is, at times I am overwhelmed by it. But she is a trooper at 82, she is active on it every day, and when I can I don't mind stopping over and helping. Got chance to talk to her husband Bob, he is 95 and always energetic to talk about current events. God bless them, I hope I am in those spirits at that age.

Best part of my evening was grocery shopping at my local publix (will admit I kept looking around to make sure my friend who stopped talking to me wasn't there, didn't want that odd moment, even though I don't know why she stopped talking to me). Anyway, got all the necessary ingredients to make my famous chili, as well as some food to get me through the week. Came home marinated the steak (for the chili), and then got it put in the crockpot just a few moments ago. Watch out, 12 hours from now, I am going to be savoring some chili. If you know my phone number and want some, just shoot me a text. If you don't know number but want recipe, leave comment or shoot me email.

Off to watch some television before hopefully falling into a very somber sleep. God bless and remember to be the victor and not the victim.